This is self-harm awareness month. I was reminded by a Facebook post on my daughter’s wall and by a teacher friend who mentioned self-harm awareness day in a text to me on the first of the month. I was glad that I wasn’t eye to eye with either of them because I wouldn’t want them to see me flinch.
Every day used to be self-harm awareness day in my house. Cutting is an addiction that crept into our home like evil smoke oozing under a door.
I don’t see anything.
It’ll go away.
Open a window and air it out.
Turn on a fan.
Go out another door and stand in the fresh breeze.
I tried it all. But the smoke kept coming.
It made me choke. It made me cry.
It made me look foolish as I flailed against it with my hands trying to push it away only to find that I was spreading it throughout the house.
I understand, yet I will never understand. My mind comprehends the literature but my heart cannot comprehend the reason. We love our kids. They know we love them. We are good parents. How can this happen here, in a good home, to us? How could we not know? What did we do wrong?
Pain stops pain? No. Just stop hurting yourself. What do you mean it’s not you that’s hurting you. I want to understand. I’m trying. Relief? In open wounds and blood? You’re finding relief?
You may not shave, you must use Nair! I still had exacto knives in the craft cupboard? I thought I’d . . . .
The physical pain stops emotional pain. I hear you, really I do, but you’re wrong it just masks it. That’s good enough for you? You know it’s temporary and you still do this to your body? Why? Stop yelling. I know you’re angry. I know you’re hurting. I’m trying. How can I be trying too hard? Come back. I care. I care.
Blood soaked tissues wadded into cotton balls sharp enough to cut my heart populate dark corners of the house.
Encounters with emotional pain stipe your arms, your belly, your thighs.
I hear your cries for help but cannot answer. I am mute with the very pain you are fighting.
Stop for me….please. You’re right. It’s not about me. It’s your battle. But I’m here. I’ll always be here.
There is hope – for us both.
It’s self-harm awareness month.
I am aware
and I love you.